Hijacking Traditions: The Subtle Sabotage of Parental Alienation

Parental alienation is devastating for the targeted parent and profoundly harmful to the child, who becomes a pawn in a web of manipulation. One particularly subtle but deeply insidious tactic is hijacking traditions—adopting or co-opting the targeted parent’s cherished rituals and reframing them as belonging to the alienating parent or their new family. This tactic goes beyond mere interference; it is an intentional effort to erase the targeted parent’s emotional and cultural imprint on the child’s sense of family and identity.

The Impact of Hijacking Traditions

Traditions are more than simple routines—they are the threads that weave a family’s unique narrative. Whether it’s decorating a Christmas tree together, Sunday pancake breakfasts, or an annual trip to the pumpkin patch, these rituals are emotionally significant for children. They create a sense of belonging, stability, and connection.

When an alienating parent hijacks these traditions, the consequences are far-reaching:

1. Erosion of Identity:

   • The child loses a sense of connection to their history with the targeted parent, leaving them confused about their own identity and familial bonds.

2. Emotional Manipulation:

   • The alienating parent reframes traditions as part of their new family unit, often replacing the targeted parent with a step-parent. This sends a subtle message: “You don’t need your other parent; we are your real family now.”

3. Gaslighting the Past:

   • By recreating traditions without the targeted parent, the alienating parent can distort the child’s memories. They may even tell the child, “We’ve always done it this way,” making the child question the authenticity of their previous experiences.

4. Marginalizing the Targeted Parent:

   • The targeted parent is left feeling excluded and powerless, watching as their meaningful contributions to the child’s upbringing are repackaged and claimed by someone else.

How to Combat Hijacking Traditions as a Targeted Parent

While this tactic can feel like a relentless attack on your bond with your child, there are strategies you can use to fight back—not with aggression, but with resilience, creativity, and love.

1. Preserve the Spirit of Your Traditions

Even if your original traditions have been co-opted, the essence of those moments can still be preserved:

• Adapt and Reinvent: If your ex has taken over a specific tradition (e.g., Thanksgiving dinner), create a new but similar tradition (e.g., a “Friendsgiving” the weekend before). Highlight the unique aspects of your time together that cannot be replicated elsewhere.
• Personalize the Tradition: Add elements to the tradition that are deeply personal to you and your child—something no one else can duplicate. For example, if you always made Christmas cookies together, teach your child a secret family recipe or a unique decorating style.

2. Talk Openly About the Past

Alienating parents often rely on silence or misinformation to rewrite history. Don’t let them:

• Remind Your Child of Shared Memories: Bring up specific, positive memories from your shared traditions. For instance, “Remember how we used to sing silly songs while carving pumpkins? That was always so much fun.”
• Use Photos and Keepsakes: Show your child pictures or mementos from past traditions. Visual evidence reinforces the authenticity of those memories and makes them harder to erase.

3. Create New Rituals

If old traditions feel too tainted or painful, it’s okay to start fresh:

• Involve Your Child in the Process: Let your child help design a new tradition. This collaborative approach strengthens their connection to you and gives them ownership of the experience.
• Focus on Fun and Connection: The magic of traditions lies in the joy and love they create. Whether it’s a game night, a seasonal craft, or a new holiday destination, the goal is to make your time together special.

4. Stay Consistent

Alienating parents often rely on creating instability to confuse and manipulate. Combat this by being a steady, reliable presence:

• Follow Through on Your Plans: If you promise to host a tradition, ensure it happens—even in the face of obstacles. Consistency builds trust and demonstrates your commitment.
• Be Predictable in Your Love: While traditions can be flexible, your unconditional love and support should remain constant. This anchors your child emotionally, even amid the alienating parent’s attempts to disrupt your bond.

5. Enlist Professional Support

If the alienating parent’s behavior escalates, involving professionals can help:

• Family Therapy: A qualified therapist can help your child process the conflicting messages they are receiving and reinforce the importance of maintaining a relationship with both parents.
• Legal Advocacy: Document instances of alienation and consult a family law attorney to advocate for your rights in court. Judges are increasingly recognizing the harm caused by parental alienation tactics like hijacking traditions.

6. Focus on Long-Term Connection

While it’s painful to see traditions hijacked, remember that the bond between you and your child goes beyond any single ritual. Alienation may strain the relationship in the short term, but by staying present, loving, and patient, you build a foundation that can withstand manipulation over time.

A Call to Action for Society

To combat tactics like hijacking traditions, we need broader awareness and systemic change:

• Educate Family Court Professionals: Judges, attorneys, and mediators must be trained to recognize and address subtle forms of parental alienation.
• Advocate for Co-Parenting Standards: Policies should encourage equal parenting time and discourage one-sided control over traditions or holidays.
• Raise Public Awareness: The more people understand the tactics of parental alienation, the harder it becomes for alienating parents to succeed in isolation.

Conclusion: Love Always Wins

Hijacking traditions is a cruel tactic, but as a targeted parent, your love and resilience are powerful tools. Traditions may change, but the core of what they represent—love, connection, and shared joy—can never be stolen. By focusing on creating meaningful, authentic experiences with your child, you reclaim the bond that alienation seeks to destroy. Remember, the truth of your relationship will always shine brighter than any false narrative. Stay strong, stay consistent, and most importantly, stay loving.