Co-opting Achievements: Stealing a Parent’s Place in a Child’s Story

Among the arsenal of parental alienation tactics, co-opting achievements stands out as both subtle and deeply insidious. On the surface, it might seem harmless—a parent taking pride in their child’s accomplishments. But when the alienating parent twists the narrative to erase the targeted parent’s contributions, it becomes a weapon of manipulation. This tactic not only undermines the targeted parent’s bond with the child but also rewrites the child’s personal history, fostering confusion and resentment.

Co-opting achievements is not about celebrating the child’s success—it’s about taking credit for it. It’s a deliberate attempt to replace the targeted parent in the child’s mind, reframing key milestones to suggest the alienating parent (or a step-parent) is solely responsible for the child’s growth and accomplishments.

How Co-opting Achievements Works

This tactic often manifests in subtle, yet powerful ways:

1. Rewriting the Narrative:

   • A targeted parent who taught the child to ride a bike is replaced in the story by the alienating parent or step-parent. The alienating parent might say, “You wouldn’t have been able to do that if I hadn’t helped you practice afterward.”

2. Downplaying the Targeted Parent’s Role:

   • When the targeted parent helps with a school project or provides support for a big test, the alienating parent might claim, “Your teacher said you did so well because of the work we did together,” completely ignoring the targeted parent’s involvement.

3. Falsely Attributing Milestones:

   • The alienating parent may claim that the child’s first words, early successes, or other significant milestones occurred only in their presence, even if the targeted parent was the one who experienced or supported those moments.

4. Leveraging Guilt:

   • Statements like, “I’m the one who’s always here for you,” subtly imply that any success the child has achieved is due to the alienating parent’s sacrifices, erasing the targeted parent’s efforts.

5. Step-Parent Overreach:

   • Encouraging the child to view the step-parent as the primary figure in their accomplishments while dismissing or ignoring the targeted parent’s contributions entirely.

Why This Tactic is Effective

1. It Exploits a Child’s Need for Validation

Children naturally look to their parents for affirmation. When the alienating parent positions themselves as the sole source of that validation, it creates a one-sided bond of dependency.

2. It Rewrites Emotional Memories

Milestones are powerful emotional anchors in a child’s life. By reframing these moments, the alienating parent effectively rewrites the child’s emotional history, replacing the targeted parent’s presence with their own.

3. It Reduces the Targeted Parent’s Role

Over time, the child begins to internalize the narrative that the targeted parent isn’t an important figure in their life. This can lead to a gradual erosion of affection and trust.

4. It Leverages Familiarity

Because the alienating parent often has more day-to-day contact with the child, their version of events may feel more “real” or immediate to the child, even if it contradicts the truth.

The Impact on Children and Targeted Parents

On Children:

• Loss of Authentic Connection: By reshaping their understanding of who supported them, children may feel disconnected from their genuine history and relationships.
• Confusion and Guilt: If the child remembers the targeted parent’s involvement but hears conflicting narratives, they may feel torn or guilty for appreciating both parents.
• Distorted Sense of Support: The child may grow up believing success is tied only to one parent, leading to unrealistic expectations or misplaced loyalty.

On Targeted Parents:

• Feelings of Invisibility: Having their contributions ignored or erased can leave the targeted parent feeling irrelevant in their child’s life.
• Frustration and Helplessness: Watching someone else take credit for hard-earned moments of connection and support is a uniquely painful experience.
• Strained Relationships: The targeted parent may feel they’re losing their bond with the child as their role in the child’s life is systematically diminished.

How to Combat Co-opting Achievements

For targeted parents, countering this tactic requires patience, consistency, and a focus on truth and connection. Here are some strategies:

1. Celebrate Milestones Together

• Find ways to celebrate your child’s successes in your own unique way. By creating new, positive memories around their achievements, you reinforce your role in their life.

2. Document Your Involvement

• Keep a record of significant moments and contributions—photos, videos, or written notes about shared milestones can serve as powerful reminders of your role in your child’s achievements.

3. Acknowledge the Child’s Efforts

• Shift the focus from parental contributions to the child’s hard work and abilities. For example, say, “I’m so proud of how much effort you put into learning to ride your bike,” rather than centering your own involvement. This reduces the alienating parent’s ability to manipulate the narrative.

4. Avoid Defensive Reactions

• When faced with the alienating parent’s claims, resist the urge to argue or correct the record in front of the child. This can create a loyalty conflict and push the child further away.

5. Reinforce Positive Memories

• Use subtle, affirming reminders of your shared experiences. For instance, “Remember how proud you were when you rode your bike for the first time? That was such a great day.”

6. Build on the Present

• Instead of dwelling on the past, focus on being present and involved in your child’s current and future milestones. Consistency in their life is key to countering the alienating parent’s narratives.

7. Seek Professional Guidance

• A therapist specializing in parental alienation can help your child process conflicting narratives and develop a balanced perspective on their relationships.

8. Advocate for Transparency in Court

• If you’re in a legal battle, ensure that the court understands how co-opting achievements can damage a child’s emotional health and relationship with both parents. Presenting evidence of your involvement can be crucial.

A Call to Awareness

Co-opting achievements may not be as overtly harmful as some parental alienation tactics, but its effects are just as damaging. By erasing the targeted parent’s role in a child’s success, the alienating parent not only weakens the parent-child bond but also distorts the child’s understanding of their own journey.

Parents, educators, and legal professionals must recognize this tactic for what it is: a form of emotional manipulation designed to alienate and control. By fostering awareness and providing targeted parents with the tools to rebuild and sustain their relationships, we can counteract the harm caused by this insidious behavior.

To the targeted parents reading this: Your contributions matter. Your child may not recognize it now, but the seeds you plant will grow over time. Stay consistent, stay loving, and remember—truth has a way of shining through, even in the darkest moments.